Biblical Way to Honor Parents Without Confusing People-Pleasing
Can I ask something hard? How many of us have wondered what the biblical way to honor parents looks like when our relationships are messy, complicated, or even painful? I hear this question a lot, and honestly, I lived it myself—through Healing from Church Hurt and family pain. We know that commandment about honoring your father and mother, but can I tell you something? It’s easy to get tangled up between what honors God and what just keeps the peace with people—even when those people are your family, trusting God with family decisions.
In our recent podcast episode, we started pulling back all those layers. It got real. Because growing up in church, so many of us were taught that honoring parents means doing as we're told, making our parents look good, or never voicing hurt. Is that the biblical way to honor parents after abuse—or is there more?
What Does the Bible Actually Say About Honoring Parents?
Here’s the thing. The biblical way to honor parents is rooted in Exodus 20:12 (CSB)—"Honor your father and your mother so that you may have a long life in the land that the Lord your God is giving you." That sounds simple, right? But you see, the people hearing that for the first time were in a place where family was everything—parents taught, guided, and protected the next generation. Honoring parents meant giving weight to their instruction, listening to wisdom, and respecting their sacrifices. But it wasn't about losing yourself or your safety to make someone else happy.
If you’re like me, you heard that command and thought: But what if my family doesn’t look picture-perfect? What if obeying hurts? It may require choosing to practice forgiving without reconciliation in difficult situations. What if I can’t please everyone? The biblical way to honor parents isn’t about blind obedience or dismissing your pain, and it often involves establishing biblical boundaries with parents to protect your heart—not human control.
Understanding Honor Biblically, Not Just Culturally
Let me tell you about a conversation I had with a friend. She grew up in a home where strict Old Testament rules were pressed hard—where honoring parents was taught as complete obedience, no questions asked. Maybe you’ve been there. But the original word for "honor" actually means to give weight to—to recognize value, not to ignore yourself. You see, the biblical way to honor parents is not about making them happy at your own expense.
How Pleasing Parents Can Be Different From Honoring Them
Here’s what I learned—there’s a world of difference between pleasing parents and the biblical way to honor parents. Pleasing is all about keeping conflict away, smoothing things over, and hoping to avoid hurt. Honor isn’t about pretending. It’s about living with love and respect, while still owning your story in God's light.
What Does People-Pleasing Look Like In Families?
- Always saying yes out of fear—not freedom
- Stuffing feelings to make parents comfortable
- Making life decisions only to avoid disappointment
- Believing your value rests on your performance or compliance
I grew up thinking if I just did everything right, everyone would be happy, and things would heal. But honoring, in the biblical way to honor parents, means facing real life—the mess, the sorrow, the boundaries, and the grace. It means you can be honest about your story.
What Does the Biblical Way to Honor Parents Look Like Today?
Let’s get real. Most of us aren’t shepherding sheep like the Israelites, and for many, family is a land full of mixed memories. But God doesn’t give commands to trap us in fear. He gives them for our freedom. The biblical way to honor parents can look like:
- Listening respectfully, even when you disagree
- Setting healthy boundaries without shame
- Offering forgiveness, but not minimizing harm
- Choosing integrity over peace-faking
- Praying for your parents, even when relationship is hard
I’ve had seasons where honoring looked like stepping back, not stepping in. Sometimes it meant not taking the bait to argue. Other times, it was as simple as sending a birthday card—not because I felt forced, but because I wanted to reflect God’s love, even from a safe distance.
What Honor Is Not
- It’s not accepting or staying silent about abuse
- It’s not pretending you aren’t hurt or that things are fine when they’re not
- It’s not enabling manipulation or control
- It’s not your job to fix what only God can heal
The biblical way to honor parents gives space for boundaries and healing. And you can honor even if you have to say “no more.”
How Jesus Changes the Way We See the Commandment
When Jesus came, everything changed. I love how we talked about this in the episode. The biblical way to honor parents is now lived in the light of grace—not just law. We follow, not out of fear, but out of love for God first. Jesus didn’t dismiss the commandments, but He wrapped them in freedom. You see, He knows what it’s like to have complicated family ties—He honored His earthly parents, but He always obeyed His Father in heaven first.
Paul wrote in Ephesians that children should "obey your parents in the Lord, because this is right" (Ephesians 6:1 CSB). But then, parents are called not to provoke children to brokenness. The biblical way to honor parents is always in the Lord—not outside His heart for you.
And another thing—leaving and cleaving? God knew we’d need new family systems as adults. So honor doesn’t mean endless loyalty to unhealthy patterns. It means giving weight to what is right, God-honoring, and true.
How Do We Apply This in Real Life?
Can you be honest with your hurt? Yep. Can you establish boundaries and still love your parents? Absolutely. The biblical way to honor parents is less about performance and more about living as God’s beloved children—free, respectful, and rooted in truth.
Here are some simple ways to walk this out
- Pause and ask God what honoring looks like in your situation
- Seek wise counsel (not just people who agree with you)
- Let go of the pressure to keep everyone happy
- Pray for your parents and your own healing
- Choose honesty over hiding
- Remember, you’re not alone—we are in this together
I remember many times feeling torn—what would happen if I stopped trying to please everyone and started seeking the biblical way to honor parents instead? You don’t have to carry the whole weight by yourself. It’s God’s command, but also His promise to give you grace for what’s hard and wisdom for the way forward.
In our podcast episode, we also teed up questions about generational change. What would it look like if families practiced the biblical way to honor parents, rather than just maintain appearances? It would look like honesty, forgiveness, new patterns, and love that doesn’t depend on performance but on Christ.
Let me encourage you: honoring and pleasing are not the same. God invites you to step out of fear and into freedom. He sees your story—every hard place and every hope. There’s something better than keeping up appearances. There’s freedom in walking the biblical way to honor parents, even when it’s hard.
If you haven’t listened to the full episode yet, I’d love for you to join us. We’re holding space for honest questions, fresh starts, and practical hope. You’ll find the episode link below along with more resources on living faith in real life. We’re in this together, my friend. Always.
Listen to "When Honor Hurts" here
See also: Finding Faith in Family Struggles
